Adam Sandler Goes to Malibu, Ruins it for Everyone.

Editor’s Note: Upon receiving this submission, from our very own Noah Cheely, I had a thought. Could the man who previously told me he didn’t like Adam Sandler anymore be simply trying to avoid embarrassment? Noah’s first article – a well though-out take down of Adam Sandler’s recent work ethic and output of films – was well-received and thought provoking. “He really may be on to something here,” I thought. “What is going on with this once great funnyman?” Fast forwarding to today, and this article Noah tells me is “satirical”, a new wrinkle appears in his story. This article reads like a cry for help; a desperate attempt at fitting in; a mask worn to hide what he is really thinking. I think Noah loves Adam Sandler – he is just too scared to admit it. Read on and tell us what you think in the comments. 

The wonderful shores of Malibu have been forever tainted by the pandering waste-bucket that is Adam Sandler.

Reports last week have been confirmed: Adam Sandler visited sunny Malibu with his alleged “family” (I say alleged because it is unknown whether the two children and woman accompanying him are actually capable of loving Sandler in a familial way) in between making atrocious “movies” for Netflix.  Photos (below) show Sandler at the beach relaxing after a tough year of reigning terror on his co-stars’ careers:

As you can see, Sandler’s outfit consisted of a Fender T-shirt, Board Shorts, and knee socks with grey sneakers. The primary issue here is not the t-shirt or board shorts. It’s the high white knee socks with the sneakers. Who wears knee socks on the beach?! Who wears sneakers on the beach?! Individually, knee socks or sneakers could convey fashion ignorance. Together, they portray a man whose douche-level is, in actual fact, over 9000. Not pictured: beach goers fleeing in horror. Also notice that his legs are very smooth, indicating he may actually shave his legs.

Here you can see Sandler retreating from the sunlight into the shade favored by all who fear the sun (note: I’m comparing Sandler to a vampire here, in case you missed it, because he sucks the life out of everything he touches). Sandler appears to have frightened a small dog, who may or may not be barking madly at him. Again, Sandler’s legs look shaved, much in the way you would expect Old Greg’s to be.

Sandler (called by some an “A-list actor” despite only making D-List quality movies since early success) has been hard at work making his next ghastly film creations. The third installment of his Hotel Transylvania franchise is set to release in 2018. In addition, Sandler signed on to Noah Baumbach‘s dramedy film (drama-comedy for you degenerate heathens) Yeh Din Ka Kissa (The Story of the Day) for release in 2017. Reports are that Sandler was happy to sign on to Baumbach’s film and bring down what otherwise may have been a good movie starring Emma Thompson, Ben Stiller, and Dustin Hoffman.

– Noah Cheely
NB: Please note that if you are Adam Sandler or Adam Sandler’s attorney, this article is for satirical purposes only and I’d really appreciate you not suing me.

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